Dining Out Humorist Pillows

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"You folks like a little something?"

Lunch Broker

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'The house wine sir.'

'Sorry,Sir - we only have the one.'

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

"Expect a generous gratuity on table 9...I hacked his tip calculator."

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.