Humorist In Dining Pillows

"Hunger is an illusion. I'll have a zenwich."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"Much of his cooking suffers from burn-out."

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'The two things you cook best are meatloaf and apple pie!... Which one is this?'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'