Dining Out Comedy Prints

'I don't eat red meat.' 'This is green.'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

Lunch Broker

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

You short-changed me when I paid for my drink last week. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. You gave me change for $10, but I now I gave you more than a ten-dollar bill. Sorry about that. How much did you give me? I distinctly remember I had nothing but $1,000 bills in my wallet. Not falling for it.

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'The house wine sir.'

'What's the special?'

'Sorry, smile's off...'

'A fly in your soup, eh? -- Call me if it gets any worse.'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

"Expect a generous gratuity on table 9...I hacked his tip calculator."

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

A waiter says:'You guys know you're supposed to text me when you're ready right?' the patrons are dead . . .

"Excuse me, my bowl and glass seem to be stuck to the table."

"Would you like finicky or non-finicky?"

"You're a very interesting waiter, but don't you have any other tables to take care of?"

'I think I've got one, Doris!'

The last word in Alphabet Soup.