Dining Comedy T-Shirts

"Would you like finicky or non-finicky?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"You folks like a little something?"

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

Chicken and noodles.

The Second-to-last Supper.

'What's the special?'

'Boy, when they say one trip salad bar, they MEAN one trip salad bar!'

'The house wine sir.'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'Sorry, smile's off...'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'