Dinner Humorist Gifts

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

Man claims his innocence of messy toilets to diners

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"... And would sir like a straw with that?"

"Knife...fork..."

'Your French dip, sir.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'Can't we have something other than curry for a change?'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

'Do you have any wine from the Ming dynasty?'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.