Dinner Party Humorist Gifts

'...and thank you for not outstaying your welcome.'

"It's our anniversary, bring us your best bottle of beer."

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

"We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat!"

"Would you like to hear tonight's specials or would you just like to jump ahead to the main course. . .?"

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Your French dip, sir.'

"Oh, boy, hard-core sugar!"

"Rump roast?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'On the contrary... I'm too tough for the steak!'

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

"Gesundheit!"

'Thank you so much, but I just followed the directions in the cookbook.'

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'I said, I don't know about you, but I'm a bit disappointed in the strolling musician.'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

A little sharpener before dinner, darling?

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

"A little lamb please."

"Mrs. Simpson would like the recipe for your 'delicious steak pie', dear. Do you think you could dig the packet out of the recycling tub?"

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Here's to a great post-meal nap."

"What do you mean, where's your order? Can't you see we're just starting to really cook?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Appetizer is almost done."

"One medium rare and one with honey."

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"