Dinner Party Humorist Gifts

'...and thank you for not outstaying your welcome.'

"It's our anniversary, bring us your best bottle of beer."

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

"We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat!"

"Would you like to hear tonight's specials or would you just like to jump ahead to the main course. . .?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"Oh, boy, hard-core sugar!"

'On the contrary... I'm too tough for the steak!'

"Rump roast?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Thank you so much, but I just followed the directions in the cookbook.'

"Gesundheit!"

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

A little sharpener before dinner, darling?

'I said, I don't know about you, but I'm a bit disappointed in the strolling musician.'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"A little lamb please."

"Mrs. Simpson would like the recipe for your 'delicious steak pie', dear. Do you think you could dig the packet out of the recycling tub?"

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

"Here's to a great post-meal nap."

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Appetizer is almost done."

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

"One medium rare and one with honey."

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"