Dining Table Humorist Pillows

'We don't have any seafood, sir, but I could soak some pork in salt water for you.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'What's the special?'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'