Dining Table Comedian Gifts

"We'd like to substitute you for a waiter who'll write down our order."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

'No, I don't need a doggy bag, but how about a kitty bag?'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Do you have any wine from the Ming dynasty?'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"You folks like a little something?"

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'Freezer is on the blink.'

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

'If I'm not mistaken; aren't these the left-overs from last night's left-overs, from...'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'