Dining Table Comedian T-Shirts

"We'd like to substitute you for a waiter who'll write down our order."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

'No, I don't need a doggy bag, but how about a kitty bag?'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Do you have any wine from the Ming dynasty?'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

Please visit www.frtn_cookie.com.

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"You folks like a little something?"

"Knife...fork..."

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'Freezer is on the blink.'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'