Humorist Diner Gifts

'Today's specials are some wonderful things the chef does with 'Hungry Man Dinners'.'

'Yes Sir that is the lowest calorie dish on the menu, the chef has even eaten the fish for you. He says it was wonderful.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Give my compliments to the Biotech industry"

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Would Sir & Madam per chance care to peruse the scratch & sniff dessert menu?'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Be right with you - just need to call for a tow truck and change today's 'Catch of the Day' to venison."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"What fly?"

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"It's the Chef Surprise."

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"See? I told you my fish was undercooked!"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'