Humorist Diner Gifts

'Yes Sir that is the lowest calorie dish on the menu, the chef has even eaten the fish for you. He says it was wonderful.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Give my compliments to the Biotech industry"

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Would Sir & Madam per chance care to peruse the scratch & sniff dessert menu?'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"See? I told you my fish was undercooked!"

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"What fly?"

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"