Humorist Diner T-Shirts

'Yes Sir that is the lowest calorie dish on the menu, the chef has even eaten the fish for you. He says it was wonderful.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Give my compliments to the Biotech industry"

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Would Sir & Madam per chance care to peruse the scratch & sniff dessert menu?'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"See? I told you my fish was undercooked!"

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"What fly?"

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"