Dining Satirists Gifts

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

Beef Stew.

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'People soup again?'

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Intolerant Chef

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.