Restaurant Satire Fan Gifts

"Miss! There's a fly in my soup."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."

'I never see the dog complain about my cooking.'

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

Two ducks in restaurant, one without a beak, "Can I get my bill, please?"

'We're very on-the-hoof, of the moment kind of people - would it be possible to dine off Styrofoam?'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

Armstrong, we're out of napkins. Now we're not. Have you checked where we keep the spares? What spares? The ones in the round pantry. Are you referring to the trash can? You say "tomatoes," I say "organic multivitamins for sale."

This fly's backstroke is atrocious. It will be reflected in his tip.

"Oh waiter! Will you pass me the anticoagulant please?"

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'I know I'm getting lots of complements, but the damn waiters are conspiring to not tell me!'

Mad cow disease spreads to other ranches

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

'There'll be a short delay, sir -- your businessman's lunch is under investigation.'

'Take no notice, I fired him ten minutes ago.'

... Harold at the stomach pump.

"You can have my doggie bag as a tip."

'Can't you read?'

"How is everything?"

Waiter, who are those protesters outside? They're from "PETFS": People for the Ethical Treatment of Flies in Soup.