Restaurant Satirist Gifts

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

"How is everything?"

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

'Could you hurry up on that order for table five? -- they're holding the maitre d' hostage.'

"Black pepper, Sir?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

'Today's entrees are the Breast with Thyme, and the Wurst with Thyme.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."