Food Service Satirist Gifts

Dolphin friendly tuna

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

Beef Stew.

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"We upped the protein by simply factoring in the permissible level of insect parts."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Hello, my name is Tony. I'm your waiter, and I'll be dining with you tonight."

'People soup again?'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

Commie Chef.