Food Satirist Gifts

'Trying to sell these things is like flogging a dead horse.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

Hamburgers are a way of life.

'Quadruple by-product.'

'Faux-horse beef for me, faux-beef horse for the wife.'

'And the winner for best supporting animal in a frozen ready meal goes to...'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Two vegans, please."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Garlic Free Zone.

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'

Cupcake jumps out of cake.

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Well you said you wanted sushi for lunch.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Remember to eat your 500,000 a day son!'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

The leaning tower of Pizza.

"I'm starving! How long will dinner be?"

"I'm having friends over for dominoes, so everyone needs to clear out of the kitchen."

Vegetarian Restaurant: Choose Your Own Cabbage

The world's worst restaurant. Now under new bad management.

"Cut down on the pumpkin spice."