Food Industry Satirist Gifts

Bi-Product Hotdogs: 'We know you killed your wife, Yomp! And when we find her body...'

"We upped the protein by simply factoring in the permissible level of insect parts."

Dolphin friendly tuna

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

The world's worst restaurant. Now under new bad management.

Beef Stew.

The BLTR (the bacon, lettuce, tomato, revolution)

1% Cereal: Now with marshmallow dollar signs.

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'I overheard the farmer say I have a future at McDonalds.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

'People soup again?'

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"I recommend the businessman's lunch, sir, mammon notwithstanding."

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"It's a game changer. . . carrots and hummous batons but we've managed to make them out of sugar."

'Table cloth is filthy.' 'We've been open since 1976.'

'Tonight you will be enjoying Howard, a happily raised free range chicken slaughtered no ten miles from here. He is accompanied by his wife, Lily, who ironically sautes opposite your own wife.'

'The Cod's off, but you can have whale and chips.'

'Trying to sell these things is like flogging a dead horse.'

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."