Superfood Satirist Gifts

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"Two vegans, please."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

The Official Covid-19 Diet

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

You are what you eat (Nuts).

The world's worst restaurant. Now under new bad management.

The BLTR (the bacon, lettuce, tomato, revolution)

Beef Stew.

"We upped the protein by simply factoring in the permissible level of insect parts."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

1% Cereal: Now with marshmallow dollar signs.

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Of course our GM vegetables are safe, Madam, they told us so themselves!"

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"I recommend the businessman's lunch, sir, mammon notwithstanding."

Breakfast cereal in the Treasury.

'People soup again?'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

Fat angel eating halo like doughnut

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

'Table cloth is filthy.' 'We've been open since 1976.'

'I hate it when they take the food pyramid, mix it all together and serve it in a trough!'

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."