Dietary Satirist Gifts

"Two vegans, please."

The Official Covid-19 Diet

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

'I hate it when they take the food pyramid, mix it all together and serve it in a trough!'

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"

"Just because that last guy you ate was a vegan, you can't say you're on a vegan diet!"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

Weight Gain Denial

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet