Diet Culture Satirist Gifts

'I got it from one of those home shopping shows. You're guaranteed to burn twice as many calories as your meal contains.'

'And what did you model-mashed potatoes and gravy?'

'I've felt much better ever since John D. Rockefeller started me on liposuction.'

'Amazing! We truly do live in a classless society.'

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'And a special feature on this model is the diet ice cubes.'

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff,'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'