Diet Satirist Gifts

Mother Nature's Health Foods

Try to cut down on your salt intake.

Fat angel eating halo like doughnut

'I see no chips.'

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

"My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork."

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Weight Gain Denial

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'