Dietary Humorist Gifts

'The customer is always right...'

Mosquito Worry About Saturated Fats

'They do have a bad aftertaste, but I think taking diet pills with dip might defeat the purpose.'

"These high fiber popsicles is just a box of sticks!"

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Chocolate Weight Watcher.

"There were days he could kill for a piece of tofu."

Consumer of Pears.

'Do you have a scale that's less sarcastic?'

When I recommended you give him a more varied diet, I didn't just mean all 12 varieties of 'Fatsnax crispy treats'

'Try the salmon. I find the omega-3 fatty acids, plus the mercury, enhance my penchant for aggressive behavior.'

"If you want fiber, madame, I suggest you eat the menu."

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

The Official Covid-19 Diet

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

"Do you realize what the sodium content of this water is?"

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'