Dietician Humorist Gifts

"It's easy to control your portions when they won't stop moving."

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

Heart Disease Menu

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"Well, then - two apples a day."

"Do you realize what the sodium content of this water is?"

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"One slice—hold the bread."

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."