Dietary Humorists Gifts

'I'll have a monsterburger with cheese and giant fries..oh! and a diet cola, I've got to watch my weight.'

'...We only eat dry cat food out here.'

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

Weight Gain Denial

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'I try to eat a varied diet. One day I'll eat dark chocolate, one day I'll eat white chocolate and one day I'll eat milk chocolate.'

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.