Diet Conscious Humorist Gifts

Broadband developments

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

Fast Food Dieter

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Well, then - two apples a day."

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

"One slice—hold the bread."

Weight Gain Denial

New anti-obesity cookbook.