Dieting Humorist Gifts

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'Let's go to the Mediterranean. The Mediterranean diet's good for us.'

In the calorie family: 'You're home early?' 'Mrs Harrison has started dieting again!'

"I'm a weight-loss motivator. I tell people that if they don't eat right and exercise, they will look like me."

'I think I just blew my diet. Do you know what the glycemic index is for a communion host?'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'To lose weight, I decided to bite only responsible and honest investment bankers. Look at me now - I'm thinner than a super model!'

"Help! The squirrels gone nuts!"

'It's commendable that you only ate one slice of pizza, but when you're only cutting it in half...'

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

"I make Al wear his diet pants every holiday. When he overeats, the button blows off."

Fat Cat.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

Man smiles at a machine that has a low camera sign: Your Weight And Naughty Picture.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Is it working?"

'Only the legs and wings, Doug - remember your diet.'

"Brace yourself!"

'You can eat anything you want on this diet, but there's a strict limit on what you can swallow.'

Weight problem/solution

Weight Gain Denial

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"When I said you needed to give him a more varied diet I DIDN'T just mean all 12 varieties of KRISYSNAX!"

"They're milk chocolate with diet pill centers."

"What happened to your dieting regime."

"This will curb your food cravings. They are bacon patches."

The End is Nigh

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

Man with each foot on a set of scales.

"Are you sure you don't want it? Eleven donuts is pretty much all my diet can handle."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'