Dietary Satirist Pillows

"Two vegans, please."

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

'I hate it when they take the food pyramid, mix it all together and serve it in a trough!'

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"

"Just because that last guy you ate was a vegan, you can't say you're on a vegan diet!"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Weight Gain Denial

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'