Dieting Satirist Pillows

'We found that most diet books are at their most effective if you eat them.'

Have you got any nails? I'm on a diet.

'Hey! I've lost two stone!'

Henry's diet allowed him to eat anything, as long as it didn't get in his mouth.

'Do you want regular white bread or white bread that we've dyed brown?'

"It's a new diet book. You can't eat until you finish reading a chapter."

Book Store: Fad Diets.

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

Fast Food Dieter

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'