Dieting Satirists Pillows

"Turns out it was all water weight."

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Fast Food Dieter

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Weight Gain Denial

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Is it working?"

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss