Dieting Humor Fans Pillows

Fat Kid.

"I have put on a few pounds, but it's mostly water weight."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Fast Food Dieter

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

"Turns out it was all water weight."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."