Dieting Jokesters Pillows

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

'This less-weight app is great! It suggested I lie my mobile down on the scale instead of stepping on it myself and look - less-weight!'

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Fast Food Dieter

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is it working?"

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Easy on the carbs, Carl."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I've got rotten teeth and you need glasses, ironic does not even cover it!'