Jokester About Diets Pillows

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Well, then - two apples a day."

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Is it working?"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

"Sometimes a tightness in the chest can be a sign of high blood pressure. In your husband's case, however, I just loosened his belt a little."