Dieting Jokester Pillows

'An olive please. I need the greens.'

'You probably think I've got a cheek putting you on a diet!'

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

'A table near the food, please.'

Buoyancy Weight

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Fast Food Dieter

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"Is it working?"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'