Diet Jokester Pillows

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

'When I said to eat a varied diet I didn't just mean buying all 12 varieties of Krispysnax noodles!'

Overweight Man Crashes Through Ceiling

"How do you do it, Doris? You eat eighty pounds of grass a day, and still manage to look so slim!"

My diet sheet says only one ice cream a day. (Has giant ice cream cone).

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

TRY ONE!

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

"It's part of my '12 Step Chocolate Diet'. I never stay more than 12 steps from a box of it."

"This is much cheaper than liposuction."

"I spike his cereal with rye so I know he's getting enough fiber."

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."