Restaurant Satirist Pillows

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

"How is everything?"

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

'Could you hurry up on that order for table five? -- they're holding the maitre d' hostage.'

"Black pepper, Sir?"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

'Today's entrees are the Breast with Thyme, and the Wurst with Thyme.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'People soup again?'