Restaurant Satirists Pillows

"Here's how our eating challenge works. The meal is free if you finish it without running across the street for a burger afterwards."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

Beef Stew.

'Today's entrees are the Breast with Thyme, and the Wurst with Thyme.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

Intolerant Chef

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

"He's Britains most eligible Spatula."

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

Commie Chef.