Posh Restaurant Satirist Pillows

'And bang a few pots around. I like to pretend you won't just pull it out of the freezer and throw it in the microwave.'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

Intolerant Chef

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Commie Chef.

"Never mind the cost of living crisis, dear, you still need your 5-a-day."

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'

"He's Britains most eligible Spatula."