Luxury Dining Satirist Pillows

"Would you like to smell the screw cap?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

International House of Excrement

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

Menu From The Luxury Home of Pancakes

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

Today's Special: Escargot Appetizer

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"Combination No. 5--no MSG."

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'Freeze Dried Nothing®. Directions: To make something out of NOTHING®, just add water.'