Satirical Dining Enthusiast Pillows

"Sorry, sir, but none of our food is very good. It's the chef's way of punishing the rich."

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

"Of course our GM vegetables are safe, Madam, they told us so themselves!"

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

Lunch Broker

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'Upsize your children' - 20 to 25 % of children are obese.

"Oh waiter! Will you pass me the anticoagulant please?"

"The jelly required a soupçon more texture on the custard was on the wrong side of sweet."

Boss, the customers are demanding to know why the muffins taste like ground cardboard. There was a sale on week-old organic oat bran and cardboard muffins. Should I tell them that? Depends. Are the men wearing lumberjack beards and hipster glasses? And are the women wearing Salvation Army clothes and hipster glasses? Yes. Tell them.

'There'll be a short delay, sir -- your businessman's lunch is under investigation.'

"And what are the two wonderful gourmet delights you're serving up today...my good man?"

Fish & chips in newspaper of the year.

'How about a drink?' 'You've got gravy.'

'What's the soup of the day?' 'Heinz.'

"Miss! There's a fly in my soup."

'Could you be a little more specific than angel food?'

Waiter, who are those protesters outside? They're from "PETFS": People for the Ethical Treatment of Flies in Soup.

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'

"What wine would you recommend to go with male chauvinist pork?"

A waiter says:'You guys know you're supposed to text me when you're ready right?' the patrons are dead . . .

Extreme health food restaurants: "Just check off what you want and we'll bring your tray around."

"Hello, my name is Roberto, and I will be your enabler this evening."

'Hello dear, have I kept you waiting long?'

'I never eat anything I can't spell.'

'It's so hard getting seated here... would you care to join me and my friends?'

In case of emergency break bread.

"I ate some yogurt once. It was very good."