Satirical Dining Enthusiasts Pillows

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

The BLTR (the bacon, lettuce, tomato, revolution)

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'May I caution that the term 'Happy meal' refers to the meal itself rather than to any effect it may have.'

'What's the soup of the day?' 'Heinz.'

"Miss! There's a fly in my soup."

"The jelly required a soupçon more texture on the custard was on the wrong side of sweet."

"Expect a generous gratuity on table 9...I hacked his tip calculator."

'How about a drink?' 'You've got gravy.'

Boss, the customers are demanding to know why the muffins taste like ground cardboard. There was a sale on week-old organic oat bran and cardboard muffins. Should I tell them that? Depends. Are the men wearing lumberjack beards and hipster glasses? And are the women wearing Salvation Army clothes and hipster glasses? Yes. Tell them.

'There'll be a short delay, sir -- your businessman's lunch is under investigation.'

"You're a very interesting waiter, but don't you have any other tables to take care of?"

"Excuse me, my bowl and glass seem to be stuck to the table."

'Could you be a little more specific than angel food?'

Extreme health food restaurants: "Just check off what you want and we'll bring your tray around."

Waiter, who are those protesters outside? They're from "PETFS": People for the Ethical Treatment of Flies in Soup.

A waiter says:'You guys know you're supposed to text me when you're ready right?' the patrons are dead . . .

"What wine would you recommend to go with male chauvinist pork?"

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'

"Hello, my name is Roberto, and I will be your enabler this evening."

"Sorry, sir, but none of our food is very good. It's the chef's way of punishing the rich."

"Here's how our eating challenge works. The meal is free if you finish it without running across the street for a burger afterwards."

'It's so hard getting seated here... would you care to join me and my friends?'

"I ate some yogurt once. It was very good."

'I never eat anything I can't spell.'