Dining Satirist T-Shirts

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'It's so hard getting seated here... would you care to join me and my friends?'

Please tip in advance.

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Two vegans, please."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'People soup again?'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."