Satirical Gourmet Gifts

For Your Dining Pleasure

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

'Freeze Dried Nothing®. Directions: To make something out of NOTHING®, just add water.'

Man begs for his restaurant bill.

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

The world's worst restaurant. Now under new bad management.

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

"I like my steak well done."

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

1% Cereal: Now with marshmallow dollar signs.

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

Haute Cuisine Meets Low Couture

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

"Monsieur Proust, we would like to discuss product placement for one of our cakes...."

Sun Dried Ice Cubes