Humorist Gourmet Gifts

Assortment of stale pastry 'petit fours' with instant coffee sorbet."

"We have an excellent shooting range..."

'You must be the only wife who uses a smoke alarm as a food timer!'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'The Burrito King.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

A Pirate Egg Prisoner about to Walk the Plank into a boiling pot of water

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

Gingerbread man sits at desk marked food editor

'No, we don't have any tuna FISH, but we do have salmon FISH, trout FISH, and catfish FISH.'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

A sick sandwich is in the hospital and is getting a transfusion on new Maya and Zesty Mustard.