Humorist Gourmet T-Shirts

Assortment of stale pastry 'petit fours' with instant coffee sorbet."

"We have an excellent shooting range..."

'You must be the only wife who uses a smoke alarm as a food timer!'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

Where Deviled Eggs come from

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

A Pirate Egg Prisoner about to Walk the Plank into a boiling pot of water

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

Gingerbread man sits at desk marked food editor

'Do you want toast with that?'

A sick sandwich is in the hospital and is getting a transfusion on new Maya and Zesty Mustard.

Dave's Hamburger Shop

'No, we don't have any tuna FISH, but we do have salmon FISH, trout FISH, and catfish FISH.'

"I like my steak well done."