Restaurant Staff Humorist Gifts

'And most importantly, can you handle an oversized pepper mill?'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"This IS a chicken fried steak!"

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Tonight I'm making spotted bass. Tomorrow night, spotted spaghetti."

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

"This wine is CORKED!"

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

"Hello, my name is Tony. I'm your waiter, and I'll be dining with you tonight."

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'The two things you cook best are meatloaf and apple pie!... Which one is this?'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Much of his cooking suffers from burn-out."

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."