Restaurant Reservation Humorist Gifts

"The names is swarm of Bluebottles a party of 301,002."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

Punkcakes

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"Hello, my name is Tony. I'm your waiter, and I'll be dining with you tonight."

'The two things you cook best are meatloaf and apple pie!... Which one is this?'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Much of his cooking suffers from burn-out."

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'