Restaurant Critic With A Funny Bone Prints

'He said it could be about 45 minutes, due to the global economic slowdown.'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Your lobster was off!

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Yo - I'm way overdone in here!"

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Can I interest you in a great white?"