Restaurant Critic Aficionado Pillows

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"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

La Table

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

'It's my favorite.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

'Pass the salt, will ya, buddy?'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'