Restaurant Critic Pillows

'We're going to look pretty stupid if it's not a Michelin star.'

'Our menu is divided into three sections: Cancer causing foods, artery clogging foods, and foods that are being boycotted for political or environmental reasons.'

'Hey, I told you this place wasn't easy to get into.'

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

"The food's fine, but the theme's a little over done."

'There's an inspector here from the Board of Health who would like to see the chicken soup.'

"We need a DNA sample to ensure your meal is compatible with our microbiome."

'Hommes.'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

We Welcome Feedback.

'The special tonight is a filet of sole, sauteed in haste and served with an air of arch indifference.'

"Relax sir, I'm sure chef barely remembers you posting a negative review online."

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'

"Actually, it really was the Ploughman's lunch!"

'...may I suggest that you stick to the English version of the menu!' - Man accidently orders a turbo-charged wheel barrow with a flat tyre filled with nuclear waste.

Sportscaster dines out

"How did I find my steak? Well I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

'Will there be anything else, sir?'

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

EAT: Ambience-free cusine

Chernobyl Chow

"You think you're so damn Cordon Bleu!"

Expectations vs. reality

"I hope we get a good review."

"Great food here, but the service is slow!"

'Today's entrees are the Breast with Thyme, and the Wurst with Thyme.'

'Have you noticed how portions are getting bigger?'

'It needs more barrel again, and believe me, I know - I used to be one.'

"No, I haven't changed the recipe. I just started washing the dishes."

"The atmosphere is too heady!"

"The chef would like to thank you for filling in the questionnaire and after watching you on our CCTV, he has these comments for you: You all chose the wrong wine and cutlery with your food and...'"

'Your bouquet sucks and your body is flabby.'

"Pat? de fois gras avec des petits pois et pommes de terre au gratin? Very well, sir ? is generic okay?"

Oh but this is a theme restaurant. Our theme is keeping people like you out.