Restaurant Critics Pillows

"This looks good."

Fun Meal $3.95 (Actual Smileage may Vary).

Waiter, what's this subpoena doing in my soup? You're being sued by the fly.

I think this restaurant may have too many employees. Yes, I would like you to send over the menu steward.

Our next story is about an lawyer who goes around suing restaurants for improper lighting. Ah, an "ambiance chaser"!

All You Can Eat

Sushi Train Spotters

'I knew we should have brought your Marigolds, dear!'

"It's an unpretentious little eatery..."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'It's my favorite.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."